If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
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Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Oh yeh? Explain this then
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Cat is stressing him out.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*