I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
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WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
so weird how every mom was born today
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.