[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
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The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
How your email finds me
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Canada has crack?