[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
You Might Also Like
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*