KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
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*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Never ghost your hitman.