Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
You Might Also Like
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?