Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
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*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
“and how does that make you feel?”
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
I can’t be the only one 😂
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?