Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
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A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Go hard or stay average
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.