My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
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ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
This kid is a star!
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.