Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
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oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha