*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
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My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
gentlemen, hear me out
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead