Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
You Might Also Like
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
got so much cardio in today
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW