The symmetry is uncanny.
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[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.