We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
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I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny