Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
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If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.