Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
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Wait a minute
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
More like Kate Missington.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to