Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
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A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Would you wear it?
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Never be a pizza!
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.