I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
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Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.