My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
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Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Easy enough.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
I wish all tests were things you peed on
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button