GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
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Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
this makes me so uncomfortable
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
every single time
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.