Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
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Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
A drum solo but on your face.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.