ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
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nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
#NoRestForTheWicked
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.