[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
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Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer