3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
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CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.