why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
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COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops