Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
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Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.