Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
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“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.