If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
You Might Also Like
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
I have two kinds of followers
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right