Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
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Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Well, that should do it
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
My background check bounced.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.