Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
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We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty