If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
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familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Today’s Times
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff