[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
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Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
ACED my prostate exam!
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.