Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
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Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”