*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
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(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
no cat here
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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My body is a temple
for potatoes.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
peeping toms
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
when u come home smelling like another dog
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)