Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
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michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.