Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
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a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.