What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
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I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them