The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
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I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Why am I like this?
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia