me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
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me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.