(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
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*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife