I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
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[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.