Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
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I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.