They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
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teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Me too, bag. Me too….
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.