I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
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If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?