Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
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My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.