BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
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I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
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“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can