Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
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I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*