Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
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My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
I want this so bad
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
The three genders.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?