“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
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I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?