{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
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Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Admin smashed it 😂